High school- filled with teenagers getting to know their surroundings and themselves. Growing up without a strong backbone of confidence will hurt you, and even with it, it still hurts. Insecurity creates a divide within the self- division of self confidence and a fulfilling life.

Becoming so fixated on making sure you look okay sitting down, having an overwhelming feeling of tension when out in public (especially in a group setting), and being generally disgusted by yourself is such an awful feeling. Wondering with every step if you look out of place, wishing to god or whoever was in charge to turn you into someone prettier. Someone better. 

It truly was such a big part of my life for so long, and I know there are so many other people like that out there. 

‘If I lose 20 pounds I’ll be happy’

‘If I get rid of my acne I’ll be happy’

‘If only I could fix my eyes, then I’ll be happy.’

I’ve heard these sentences too often from people ranging from my friends to random girls I had met in a public bathroom. I know being a teenager is god-awful sometimes, and there are so many social and academic pressures placed on us. But at one point or another, you have to be on your own side. 

Hating every fiber of your being is only going to trigger terrible behaviors. People pleasing to make up for the burden I thought was placing on others by simply existing in particular was my big one. I’m still trying to unlearn that one myself, and I know now the road to loving yourself is quite the journey. Everytime I sat down in a chair I would stare at my thighs in disgust. I would look into the mirror and purposely pick out new things to hate about my body to remind myself why I was not worth happy. That I would only be okay if I got rid of them. 

For the years I remember being alive, I have been living this way. Until one day I simply had enough. I don’t know exactly what triggered it, and it was not a simple flick of a switch that made me less insecure. I was just sick of constantly thinking about how I could be better. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are still areas I still need to work on, but now I just care more about the ones that actually will impact my future in a positive way. School, work, and friends, I don’t care anymore that I am not the conventional beauty standard. Baby steps, I know, but I am getting somewhere with it. 

To my fellow friends out there who struggle with this same issue, I just want you to ask yourself one thing. Why is your happiness so conditional? You have all the time in the world to improve, and if working out or makeup etc. will make you happy, do it. But I’m telling you now, overworking that comes out of the hatred you have for yourself instead of your ambition to better yourself without loving yourself first will only leave you unsatisfied. 

You are so cool, I swear, just let yourself grow into it. 🙂