Nobody talks about what it is like being the youngest and watching your oldest siblings leave, longing for their next chapter in life. The ability to watch your once full house slowly become empty within five years truly makes you question the concept of time. It was just yesterday when your mom was cooking dinner, and video games played loudly in the background. Who would’ve thought that the daily updates you and your siblings would exchange at the kitchen table would eventually become Facetime calls every other week? The reasoning for my words isn’t to bring pity or demand change but to acknowledge the pain that the youngest often feel once their siblings leave.
Being the middle child, you are left in a position where you are torn between seeing your older siblings leave while staying to become the oldest for the younger ones. The empty feeling you are left with waving your older siblings goodbye is something that truly sticks with you forever. Sure, you are able to see them again, but after living with them your whole childhood and then suddenly not, a part of you feels abandoned.
The long conversations, late-night drives, and even arguing become only a memory of your youth. The boundless feeling lingers as you watch your siblings move on whilst you feel stuck and everyone else takes on their new lives. Now, as you and your siblings say goodbye to your childhood, new endeavors will lead them far from home. Torn between whether you are being selfish or not fulfills your mind as you remain reminiscing. Maybe that’s just another part of growing up, but nobody prepares you for how much it sucks. One moment, you think you are getting better at altering your new routine, and then BOOM. It hits you harder than a ton of bricks at one moment. A sense of abandonment is installed and remains gnawing at the most sensitive parts of your heart. Every visit becomes more and more precious because the most simple moments carry a great amount of comfort, love, and nostalgia, which engulfs both of your minds as you are under the same roof. Spurts of sadness radiate through your body as you come across old pictures and videos, wishing for time to rewind.
Once a full house becomes empty an empty pantry becomes suddenly full. As you watch from afar, wishing that things could go back to how they were when you were a kid all over again. From sharing each other’s most intimate secrets and arguing over who gets to wear what, someday you wish you had your person there to even do those little things with. Christmas is the most magical time of year; you are ten all over again. Anxious, you rush to the living room as you watch everyone open their gifts. All under the same roof. Fast forward ten years, and your oldest sibling calls you to wish you a “Merry Christmas” and sends you a video call to exchange gifts.
What once was never a dull moment then became a tedious task. The magic of Christmas has since faded away because things are not the same as they were when we were younger. There is beauty in every celebration; however, when you are thousands of miles away from each other, the only thing you can focus on is who isn’t by your side. For example, think of the structure of a house. A foundation is built, then everything else on top, and when the foundation breaks down, so does the house. You are the house, and your siblings the foundation. Once they leave, everything seems to break down to a certain extent.
As children, we fixate on who we choose to be our role model; for most, that becomes their siblings. As we watch their every move, we analyze their achievements, friends, and overall life in hopes of one day becoming just like them.
The day they finally left was a day like no other. A time when joy and tears overcame our bodies and slowly became less evident. Who would’ve thought that they wouldn’t be there to greet me every day after school anymore? That we would eventually have to kiss our childhood goodbye. Knowing they won’t be sleeping in the room next to you, knowing that as their younger sibling not a day went by that they weren’t by your side. But now there will be days they are not by your side. We went from sharing toys to sharing makeup; the beauty in watching each other change. Am I the person I am because of you? Most certainly, yes. There are days that they can’t come to help you and times when they can’t go out of their way to make fun of you. They watched their younger siblings grow up, and we watched them grow into adults.
Now, as one who watched her older siblings turn into adults, I intend for my words to find you. I hope you will be able to continue to watch me grow from afar. I know you’ll always be cheering for me, but again, only from afar. These are words put together by your younger sister to give thanks, your little sister who will always look up to you.
