Alright…where do we begin? I think Forbes pretty much summed it up: “…quality is on a steep decline across all categories…as surely as any zombie rot.” Yes folks, this unfortunately refers to the once treasured, once beloved, Ark of the Covenant of horror/drama television- that’s right, “The Walking Dead.” The second half of season 7 premiered Sunday, February 12 (not that anyone had their calendars marked this time. That’s right, most of us actually forgot). Frankly, the show is starting to die on us and given the ruthless ratings landslide, its obscurity will soon surpass even that of lost artifacts immortalized only by Harrison Ford if the writers continue to drag out this endless stream of- well of what exactly, I couldn’t even tell you; the deafening roar of disappointment oozing out of that chasm typically filled by substance was a wee bit disheartening.

Let’s start with the dialogue. Can we even really call it that? I think I had a flashback to my elementary school days, writing stories during quiet time. “Oh no!” said the man. “What will we do?” said the man. “We must do what we must do,” said the man. “Ah ha! Let us do what we must do,” said the man. And on and on and on it goes. Yah, imagine sitting through that but with the occasional zombie. But you see, the thing about reading little eight year olds’ stories is that you can only expect this and it might make you chuckle or croon, but when you sit down to watch what has previously been praised as a quality form of storytelling and get empty chipmunk chattering…well, you can imagine the disappointment. The episode offered nothing but a constant bombardment of choppy phrases awkwardly squeezed in for the sake of giving the actors something to say. The characters we’ve grown to love over the years have suddenly lost the ability to articulate. Hey Rick, what happened to those inspiring, albeit unsettling, Aragorn-At-Mordor speeches? Now that Abraham is no longer here to offer us the witty one-liners, and Eugene’s awkward comic relief can no longer save us, who’s going to pick up the slack? I mean, there’s Jerry of course but it’s pretty sad when Jerry’s two grunted lines are the highlight of the script.

Speech usually goes hand-in-hand with deep characterization. In previous seasons, the character arcs have been well oiled by the up keeping and maintenance of a quality script which often flung the audience back and forth between the character’s internal struggle, profound societal and ethical conundrum, and the convoluted mortal struggle common to us all. Not everyone needs lengthy monologues, though those have been very well tended to in the past. Even the simplest of lines have gone a long way when presented correctly, when tension exists, when growth is demanded. Well, I guess the writers have decided that the characters don’t really need to evolve any more. It’s like “1984”- we’re frozen in the present with no real attachments to past sentiments and no real hope for any kind of promising future. Shame, huh?

Oh, and we need to talk about tension. Was it there? No. Should it have been? Well, this is supposed to be a horror/drama show…. you would think tension would be kind of essential. There are principally two types of episodes that have been hashed out since the show’s premiere. You either get a full flung action mini film, filled with typical horror movie techniques including but not limited to the building of nail biting tension followed by delayed yet deeply satisfying gratification. The alternative option presents itself as more of a condensed stage adaptation, jam packed with long, juicy syntax and mesmerizing phrasing that most likely induced a week-long think session within the realm of ethics and philosophy. Most likely, there will be cool shots and trippy camera movement in either of these selections. Remember that artsy, independent film feel we got from Tyreese’s last episode? When are we going to get more of that?

Anyhow, neither of these delectable options are available on the new Sunday menu. We have been offered a cheap and soggy substitute that hardly bears and resemblance to the familiar sustenance we come to the table for. We got a bomb disarming scene, or at least what was supposed to be one. You know what I’m talking about- blue wire or red wire? “There’s supposed to be a wire?” our dear show writers ask. No, how about we just rush through it instead of taking the time to build some apprehension. Let’s not add any real sense of danger. Hey, why don’t we just waste a little more screen time? We’ll do it again when we send the Saviors to Alexandria to break china plates for another few minutes. I mean come on! This made me start to miss all four Lethal Weapon movies. The bomb in Danny Glover’s toilet had me a little more nervous. They could’ve at least gone for that “Lost” vibe when Jack and John Locke have that angsty Fedex-the-dynamite scene after watching Artz get blown to bits. Honestly I started to think that maybe this was meant to be some lame attempt to move plot forward- but if so, the scene was given way too much screen time for that. It was meant to be an attempt at tension building right? I don’t even know anymore. Whatever the intention, it fell flat. Watching the zombies split and slide like cheese going through the grater didn’t even manage to save the time wastage, as admittedly cool as it was to watch for the half a second it lasted. Sorry guys, the gore isn’t enough to keep me here. You gave me a side dish when I already had the stretchy pants ready to go for Thanksgiving.

By the way, why does Rosita magically know how to disarm bombs? Why do she suddenly have beef with Sasha when they were fine a few episodes ago? Where did our sense of realism go? Did Shiva eat it? Thanks for feeding all the quality to the tiger. I know, I know, those things eat a ton, even when they’re CGI.

So was there anything good to say about this episode? There was that one reference to Dr. King’s “I Have A Dream” speech, which went well with the overlying theme of rising against oppression and typical revolutionary sentiment. Sure, the whole play with surface level politics and alliances was a bit predictable but it was the logical step forward. Rick’s little parable with the rock in the road, though simple, got the message across. Oh and fans of Carol and Daryl’s relationship can look forward to some kind of tense reunion far from the lovey-dovey bear hugs we saw after the Terminus rescue. Aside from that, there’s really nothing else the show has going for it, save the thinly stretched loyalty of the fans.

The real mistake, aside from the obvious lack of fulfilling dialogue and pressure, was having this happen at the start of a second half of the season after a pretty unsuccessful first half. Viewers have already forgotten the tensions built by the previous half and the reconciliation of the survivors and their renewed war spirits are not so satisfying. This was why “Game of Thrones” writers, after letting us beg and beg for Daenerys to stop lollygagging and get her dragons to Westeros, ended their season with the Targaryen fleet sailing towards a long awaited conquest instead of waiting to introduce that scene in the next season long after fans’ impatience melted into indifference. The apprehension was fresh off the griddle and they gave us the meat while it was still hot.

Take a lesson my dear show writers and give us back our show, else wise Daryl Dixon’s biceps may not even be enough to keep us loyal.