A Modest Proposal – Satire about College Board

A+Modest+Proposal+-+Satire+about+College+Board

Alexis Witkowski, OP/ED Editor

(DISCLAIMER: THIS IS SATIRE)

The College Board began its business to help students reach their academic potential as well as facilitate the College Application process in 1899. Since then, it has grown to be a billion-dollar non-profit organization that is unavoidable if you wish to attend college. The College Board has explicit ownership of AP tests, the SAT, and the PSAT test that 95% of colleges require for admission. The tests range anywhere from 64 dollars to up to 100 plus. 

I have been assured by a multitude of high school students themselves that the SAT is the perfect representation of intelligence, grades shouldn’t be a factor in the application process, and the pricing for the tests is too low and they’d be willing to spend more money to get a 100% accurate measure of their intelligence. 

Firstly, I’d propose disqualifying the ACT as an option when applying to college. More individuals take the SAT, about 2 million students while only 1.91 million take the ACT. The Princeton Review’s ACT is inaccurate as it very apparently discriminates against females. We already know the female population performs inadequately when it comes to science and math as opposed to men. The SAT gives both men and women a fair chance because women are allowed to perform well in the English and writing portion, while men can perform well in the math section. Clearly, the ACT is more favorable towards men since it not only tests math but science as well which we know women have no chance to do well at. And therefore and without a doubt, the SAT is the only accurate measure of college readiness and success and should be the only test required for college admissions. 

Secondly, once the SAT is taken and accurately rates a student’s college readiness and success, grades and extracurriculars shouldn’t be a factor in the admissions process at all. If the SAT measures a student’s intelligence, what is the point of grades? Colleges already rely a lot on SAT scores when deciding who they should and shouldn’t accept into their school. This only expedites the process by eliminating other factors. AP tests also are an error-free way to test how well a student learned a subject. The AP test evaluates student’s knowledge of things they learned from the beginning of the year till the end. If the student doesn’t pass it just proves they didn’t know the material. Suppose a student received a 2 on the AP test but garnered an A in the class, all this does is confirm that the teacher was either biased or graded too easily. End of discussion. 

Thirdly, it only makes sense for the cost of the PSAT, AP tests, and SAT to continue to increase in price. Due to the immaculate accuracy of intelligence and success that it tests, costs should increase as the number of individuals taking the test increase. Unquestionably, it’s a direct correlation. Students and colleges are noticing how necessary and crucial these tests are, consequently, the College Board needs the money to continue to make these tests more and more accurate in measuring a student’s success after high school. 

Now, obviously, there’s a certain handful of individuals who think the College Board is a money-making machine in the college admissions process and how we are a monopoly. I’ll say it once and I’ll say it again how can College Board be a monopoly when it is classified as a non-profit organization? Frankly, the people who are against the College Board are envious and jealous of their success and are just enraged that their SAT score wasn’t high enough to get into Harvard, their dream school, when they scored a 1200 and only got 3’s on their AP tests. Sorry to break it to you, but colleges only want the best of the best and some people just don’t make the cut. Maybe community college can best fit your needs? Your lack of intelligence is not our issue.

Another complaint we receive is that the SAT doesn’t accurately measure a student’s success after high school because grades also count and students work hard for them. For this I have to say; if a student can’t manage to perform well on a test one day what makes them think they will be successful in college or at this point, the rest of their life? If they can’t prove their success it just reinforces that all 13 years of education were a waste. 

Getting rid of the SAT will simply not function. How else are we to measure a student’s intelligence? Couldn’t think of anything? My point exactly. There’s no mistake that the SAT is the upmost accurate and foolproof test that determines college readiness. Might I add that lowering the cost for the AP, SAT, and PSAT tests will only compromise the accuracy of them. The College Board needs to raise the cost of the tests so that they can employ more individuals to create questions that precisely measure a student’s success and intelligence in a quantifiable form. 

I assure you the College Board is only doing what is best for the students with these new reforms. I implore you to consider this proposal and accept it because the quicker we implement it, the better.

Print Friendly, PDF & Email